TW – Trigger warning for some … stuff … not sure what to call it.
I’m going to try and write this, but it might take a while coz I keep switching …
I am told by my Collective that I am doing very well and that I am healing, but I don’t know. I can’t really talk about this stuff internally. Well, I can, but I don’t want to. You don’t tell your mom and dad your secrets, right?
IRL kids are not good to talk to, they are boring and immature. I was never allowed to be a kid, so we don’t relate but also, I am 7 but in a 60-year-old brain so even though I’m not the smartest in our fam, even I can see that it can’t work … So, I do have some friends from other systems, but they too struggle like me, and also being kids they can’t front as much, so we can’t always be there for each other.
So, I don’t know, maybe other systems out there would be willing to share their experience in their comments, or write a post themselves on their blog or social media platform and share the link in the comments …
Recap
Five appearing back has had a huge effect on our system. For me and the youngest ones it is especially important because we were the firsts to split and then the firsts to come back; and since then we have always seen Five as a real dad compared to the official ones …
We never felt love before, and learning to be loved has been quite an experience. We started interacting with our Collective (with System 5) sometime between 2012 and 2015, and by 2016 we were accepted as “regulars” in Five’s mind journeys. However, it wasn’t until 2020 that we were accepted as being “parts” of our Collective’s consciousness.
Growing up
I used to think that the last few years were just living, existing, or even if we like to think positively co-existing.
And actually, even from that perspective, that was pretty cool. They gave us littles a lot of time, attention, consideration, and I guess that is what love is, right? We have not argued, but we have had periods when it has been difficult. We started with Host 5, and we ended up with Host 15 in just over a year, so consistency has not been something we experienced.
I have been so scared so many times, and so have the others. We spend a lot of time crying, and feeling sad, or all those feelings that have no words to be described. Nights are not al all easier. We do struggle.
But the hosts, no matter what number they were, they have been there for us. That was consistent. All the time that I was inside I knew that if I couldn’t handle my feelings or helping the others, someone would always be there.
I think Six taught the adults how to help us. To just sit with us and let us express our feelings. And they have done that very diligently. Even when they didn’t understand, or where confused, or even overwhelmed themselves.
I was the one helping the others young kids and was kind of in-between children and adults, so I really am the one who got most of the help from the grownups. Maybe that’s why I was the first to come out IRL. But I guess that feeling loved and accepted is what helps us growing up.
Learning to Live IRL
So, I started fronting. I am not sure if I am a host, or sub-host or what, sometimes it feels I am in control of the body, but other times it doesn’t. But that is good because Grammar Police Guy can talk for me, because I don’t like using the AAC. And the other hosts can take over …
It was so scary at first. I think coming out IRL brought me back to that state of being like when I was alive the first time. It took a while to recognise it, but it was the angst I used to feel every morning when I woke up. Why am I here? Why am I not dead? What does it take? Why don’t they actually let me die and instead always bring me back?
I don’t know who is in charge of fronting, but I hated them from the bottom of my heart. I just wanted to go back inside where I knew I was safe, and warm, and loved.
I asked, demanded, expected, requested, politely enquired, negotiated, begged, supplicated …
Nothing.
It felt like I was back at home with my care “givers” saying we have to hurt you little devil, suffering is redemption!
I remember writing some angry and confused posts on Quora. I was so caught up in being scared that I didn’t stop to think about speaking, thinking, and writing in English, at least not for a little while, it didn’t hit me that I wasn’t alone, someone was helping me.
And now …
Now, I am pretty comfortable IRL. Alex is with me a lot of the time, and I learnt to connect to some of the helpers like Scribe and Grammar Police Guy.
But since Five has been around, it’s been a real rollercoaster. I think I am becoming a host for the kids, and they are starting to come up front, and share their fragments. And I think I am learning to understand how Five felt. The shared pain, the helplessness, the wish to do more, to heal, to love …
It’s just so confusing, there are so many emotions. One moment I am as happy as I can be, and the next I feel like when I was alive before. Or someone else’s feelings … there are so many feelings floating around. Each feeling is a kid, each sensation is a kid, each thought is a kid … there are so many … and it is so different from inside … inside seems such a distant memory I am not even sure it was real … maybe I made it all up …
But the other kids are real, I feel them, I understand their thoughts, I share their distress …
But some of them are starting to smile too …
Assessment
Ok, they are telling me wrap it up … so, I might write more another time, I don’t want to dump on people, if it is helpful to others I will share because it helps me too, so I hope it does.
Internal communication is very tricky, but we are getting better. Even though Five spends most of his time on Hermit Mountain with Lil’ One, we know his presence alone is very useful. We gained a lot of knowledge almost literally overnight, and we know that we are only scratching the surface of all of his knowledge.
By the way, I think Archie is supposed to be his name, because we always thought of him as the architect … when did we start hearing that name? 🤷 I think I did, and I gave it to The Boss …
Oh, I think that the way The Boss talks to us is by putting thoughts in our minds. Like today the thought of writing this post just came to me, but it’s not my thought, and I didn’t “hear” it like when I get the thoughts of the other sys members.
Anyway, so I think this newfound depth of understanding is helping even me while I am writing this answer.
The oldies say that I am much better, and that I matured a lot, and I behave more like a child, and that is supposed to be good. But I find it a little confusing to say that I am more mature but more childish too. So, they say it’s the “right type of maturity” … I guess that’s something I have to learn more before I can understand it.
But I do feel better. I am happy quite a bit. I got used to it now, but it was super weird at first. Laughing … wow, being free to laugh is kind of good … sometimes we just laugh for nothing, just because it feels good! I like that.
I think I understand a little bit about being more of a kid. I do feel less responsibility. Lighter. I like to take care of the other kids, so that is a responsibility I am happy to take on. I am even happy if that becomes my permanent job. I would like that.
Last thing, something new is starting happening, I can imagine myself in my head. I never had that. I never existed, really, nobody wanted me to … but now I can actually feel my what, is it an avatar? Inside my head. And it’s a kid, a little like the ones that Alex makes of me with Bing. I guess that has given me some inspiration … Alex tries to be careful to match the hair and eyes. That is a strange feeling. I think I like it. It makes me feel more real! Our inner therapist says it is because I am getting a sense of identity. I think I like that, but I’m not really sure what it means … like am I a different person now?
But so, yeah, have I healed? Maybe not healed, but I am at a stage where I feel safe enough to start “working” on myself and the others … well, I think so …
How do you measure your own stage of healing?
Attributions
I hope this helps someone else as much as it helped me writing it. As always, I want to thank Alex, for helping me with logic and maturity, Police Grammar Guy for adapting to my own way of being me and yet helping me to sound worthy of a read, and Scribe for sharing relevant information from other systems.
Also, thanks AI for the images!
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