An old Host reawakens

Quora question asked by Teo and answered by Five:

If you are a plural and used to be a host, then somehow went dormant, and then you woke up again, can you share your story please? Like, did you know you were going to go to sleep? Was it your choice? What happened in the inner world and IRL while you weren’t around? When you came back, were you still a host? Had much changed? How did it feel? How did your inner family react? I don’t know … anything you are willing to share would be super great, thank you so much!

This is a difficult question to answer.

Partly because I don’t have all the facts, but also because it forces me to face some issues that I may not like to deal with.

Yet, as always, straight faced into the abyss, so, let’s try and put it all into context. I will combine my own knowledge with the one gained since my absence when I can access it.

The computer metaphor

Let’s compare the body to a computer. It has an Operating Systemdifferent types of files and utilities, comparable to the sub- +un- + Conscious; it has a motherboard (brain + central nervous system) peripherals and components (body parts) with their own firmware and cables (the peripheral nervous system)

To that, let’s add a few hardware upgrades, because that’s how life works. In our digital lives we replace CPUs and components in the same way as our body develops and it gains new abilities, both during development and even later in life.

Also, obviously, with a computer and an operating system, we will also need apps, and app suites. We might have the Office suite for some activities, Adobe for others, A Sage/accounting suite for something else, etc.

Dive into a computer life cycle

Now, if a computer doesn’t work properly, we can reset it to factory settingsand we can retain, if we so chose, our files and settings.

From windows 10 onward, a reset will upgrade the operating system to the latest version.

Then, think that once, one used to have Windows 95. Then, one day when resetting decided to install Windows XP. Next time might do Windows 8.1 and then 11.

Combining OS resets with Hardware Upgrade, it is entirely possible to be left with some old motherboard (an old CPU) and hard drive that still have valuable data on. Some of those apps and suites might have sentimental value, as well as any other value at all.

If we, however, want to get all operating system to boot up at the same time on the same machine, it will be tricky!

So, if we do want to access our old files/settings/apps we will probably chose some boot loader to pick the operating system at boot time. But as we become more attached to the data in those old ‘puters, we may wish to have everything working at the same time (a sort of digital functional multiplicity).

This could be done by emulators, virtual machines, complex wiring and virtual networks, etc. It will depends on technical requirements, resources, and capabilities.

Understanding the computer lifecycle allegory

So, let’s look at it historically. First we have Version 0 of the operating system, that’s the OEM version.

For us, this means the littles up to 10 year old, which is a potentially significant age in terms of neurodevelopment, i.e. new wiring and components.

We get the AltTeo at first boot, then around age 3 (another likely important age in terms of development) it develops into the Herbie, Alex and Teo, Maxie, and the Midnight app suites. Each with specific functionality and capabilities and each looking after different aspects of life, i.e. Body, Mind, Heart, Soul, (again Stef research here in different areas of the brain is impressive!) and whatever the world throw at us respectively. Eech with their set of subsystems.

Now for reasons still unknown to us (I do like Stef AG’s theory that our conditioning could have caused this) around the age of 10–11 we had the first resetcreate version 1of the operating system.

The previous one was simply backed up and archived. So, this new OS had a blueprint, 5 hosts to look after different aspects of daily life. We know Shade and Stef are the equivalents of the Teo and Alex app suites respectively, and we can expect that there will be at least 3 more. I think Gollum is the teen version of Herbie, and am not sure about the others, but I know there’s a few popping their heads IRL every now and then.

Around the age of 21 we had another one of these resets. That was Version 2, another relevant milestone in brain development. Then we had Version 3around 1996, which was due to changes in personal circumstances. We believe that this is when our English speaking Police Grammar Guy became established as we suddenly stopped speaking our native language.

So, a lot of brain rewiring…

So, a lot of brain rewiring…

Version 4 and then 5

Some stuffhappened in 2002 and that’s when we had a full reset complete with almost total amnesia. When this happens I noticed that we have a strategy where we spend 6 months focused on some kind of inner healing, then another 6 months preparing ourselves making plans and setting goals, and then we get going.

So, Four was very single minded about career. This is where I can see the process of spontaneous recovery of previous conditioning possibly kick into action. Clearly strict conservative Christian at first, focused on respectability and keeping up appearances..

We had barely any facial or body hair when we cross 30; Four went through a very focus process of masculinisation and internalised normative social behaviors and attitude (such as ableism) to gain business credibility.

So, at this stage our 5 hosts were:

  1. Nerdy, our equivalent of Alex and Stef
  2. Dark, the equivalent of a merged Teo/Shade and Midnight
  3. Gym Guy was our equivalent of Herbie

Unfortunately at this stage Maxie was boxed away very tightly because there is no room for morality in the business world, but we could still hear their influence.

Eventually there was a rebellion (internally) and we managed to take Waltham Forest Fostering and Adoption Service to the Ombudsman for “abusive practices towards the children in its care”.

As this was ongoing, also our last remaining torturer and caregiver died.

This caused a different type of reset when System 5, my system was born. This was similar to the Reset of System 3 with no inherent trauma, so there was no amnesia. I believe that at this point Maxie was able to start being noticed.

So, we learnt a lot and added a full Spiritual System app suite early 2010s to our Operating System. We had gone to Psychic School, started practicing Spiritual Healing with the UK’s Spiritualists and were starting to get to know Maxie’s old protectors and helpers. Somehow we seems to have an open connection to the Universe where we can ask any question and these will get answered. A little like a Universal Chat GPT.

So, by the time of the new reset in 2022, we were a rather large system. I think the biggest subsystem was Nerdy’s because they just kept adding new helpers, so they can create very specialised sources of knowledge devoting limited brain resources to each. Quite clever really, but you would expect that from them!

The Dark system is the one that earned us the reputation for being Dark. I think it was important that we accepted that we had a somber history, and that we shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

I have to admit the sadness can be absolutely overwhelming, but it is also very real, extremely tangible, and everyone from all the other operating systems in our big computer brain can relate to that.

It was difficult to accept all that darkness at first. Especially because since we started accepting our own, we became more sensitive to that of others. We could feel it from a distance. Even alone at the top of a mountain we could feel the pain of “things” around us.

But we also learnt that Darkness can be respite. The light needs darkness, so it can rest peacefully.

The light needs darkness, so it can rest peacefully

I’m digressing

The breakdown

Personally, I believe that the abrupt system change was due to a iatrogenic split caused by a rather incompetent psychologist.

We were already going through a planned change, however the medical trauma brought on by the our local NHS Trust had an unexpected re-traumatising effect (I didn’t know we had these issues in our childhood) which precipitated and disrupted the system change.


So, now we have a few different operating systems that cannot really work together and our brain is trying to solve this conundrum.

This is why there are so many changes and so much apparent instability.

I think that the main problem for the past couple of years is that there has been a reversal of the situation that Four had. Four was purely a cognitive system, with very little emotions. This new system is the opposite, a lot of emotions with little cognitive control.

This has led everyone to panic a lot, often unnecessarily.

Alex and Stef have done a wonderful job with trying to bring rationality to the system, but I believe that it was good that we (as a system) went through a period of such intense emotional turmoil.

We had forgotten what it means to feel and be human. Four and I are guilty of setting up a completely conditioned system, and unfortunately this has had adverse consequences on everyone who has been hurt in the past. Mainly because we haven’t cared for you as we should have.

And I cannot apologise enough.

I have written extensively in our diaries about why I cannot be the ANP. But I also know that I have accumulated knowledge and experience that can be very useful to our system, and I certainly long to be part of that Kaleidoscope that Teo is working so hard to achieve, where we are all part of the same amazing family.

The future

I think I will continue to do what I do best, which is to meditate and seek higher knowledge in the company of our little Soul, Maxie, and under the guidance of our Spirit Teacher (You call them Ghost, to me they are Eagle Wing

, but the name doesn’t matter).

I won’t be far, thank you for the pic Teo, you are still my favourite (I know the others are not jealous and it’s ok to say it out loud!), I’m only a thought away, near the Nerdie’s Library …

I will continue to post what I learn, I think you guys need to learn about Multilayered Parallelised Serial thought processing because you will find it really cool!

Love you all, and thank you for making me feel welcome! 🖤

Five and Maxie overlooking the Brain Library